Mitchel Stevens’ Guide to Employment and His Life

Editor's Note: The following column is part of an anonymous weekly humor column chronicling the struggle of a new, young journalist out in the working world. You may find the author's previous posts in the archives. --The Ed.


Heya Internet!

Sorry for the late update. Your favorite pseudo-anonymous intrepid reporter was busy all last week at the world’s greatest swag-bag/performance space, featuring plenty of kids crying about how lame it is—when they don’t get free stuff. Man, I know!

You know what else sucks? Work!

You know what you were doing? Work!

You know what is lame when compared to being able to have margaritas early on a Thursday afternoon, and by margaritas I totally mean coffee because I don’t have a blender or lime juice but plenty of gin because that’s totally acceptable in your margarita since I don’t drink wussy drinks like tequila...oh I’m lying, I drink tequila...uh…question mark.

WORK! That’s right!

Oh, but I digress. I’ve been filing and working 30+ hour weeks. Man, work is hard—especially when your contracts shift and change!

Case in point: Part-time job no. 442 paid me half of the fee I was supposed to receive. What the fellow who hired me neglected to say was:

• A.) I would not be paid $X00 per month, despite saying “You’ll get $X00 per month.” (Note: The number is even, below six and higher than two.)
• B.) This person, I would find out a few days ago, in fact had no basis to tell me money since he didn’t handle it.
• C.) I actually got a check for less than $X00.
• D.) If I want $X00, I’d have to write an extra article per week for a sister site, but would have to be approved two weeks ahead of time. And whatever I optioned could be taken by a staff member before I’d be allowed to write it.

Who says online journalism isn’t awesome? I was sort of bummed out about that for a while. Not to mention my OL’ RELIABLE is in a bit of an in-between period—while having a healthy bit of change coming my way—due to ad sales, and a lack there of.

DAILY FREE NEWSPAPER isn’t returning my calls, but would love for me to pitch them for December or January.

And man, the world is a dark, dreary place. Nearly five months since I escaped one hell, and now I can’t even get into another. I looked at an ad to copy-write for some knife company the other day. Kinda tempting. I mean, what else is a poor boy to do?

Well, there is the interview I did with Gothamist’s Ben Kharakh* today. Just now as a matter of fact. Here, take a gander:

How are you?
Fine. A little cold, but whatever.

What is your name?
Mitchel Stevens. Wait, was there more? You just kinda…let it stay flat.

What is your opinion on INSERT TOPIC HERE?
Wait, what? Insert what? A topic? Uh, well, I’m a big fan of my Nintendo DS. I mean, it’s really an ingenious thing when you think about it. The whole concept they’re doing with touch is kinda cool.

How do you like New York?
New-, wait, what? Fine. I guess.

(REFERENCE TO QUESTION THREE)
…oh god, you’re…

DO YOU WANT BIG PENIS NAO TIEM11111111
A SPAM-BOT!

Yes, I have discovered that Gothamist’s own Ben Kharakh is in fact a super-sentient, beta-tested feature available on early builds of Apple’s OS X.2 Leopard. I have it on good word that Jen Chung and Jake “Kitty” Dobkin actually operate Kharakh using their iPhones. It’s apparently just like playing a Nintendo DS.

Anyway, I really shouldn’t mock Gothamist. They’ll send Dobkin’s army of kittens with adorable knives after me. Maybe if I promise to work for them, they’ll help me get a job. Besides, I bet Gothamist at least pays nickels, dimes and belly lint when they say they will.

Oh well. Sorry for the late column and sorry for it being a throw-in. I’ll be back at my regular time next week and regale you about my time spent at “OMG, WTF, WHERE IS MY FREE STUFF” festival last week.

-MS